Ultrasound

Today I have another ultrasound to check on the baby. At the last one the doctor was concerned he may have seen a hole in the baby's heart. This is not uncommon and they can close before birth or be operated on after birth (scary). Then again, my hope is he didn't really see anything and the baby will be 100% fine. But this is also the kind of hopeful attitude I went into the last ultrasound with and I was devestated coming out. So I am trying to be positive, but remembering to give myself a reality check. I am so tempted to google everything I can about this condition, but I did that last time with my ultrasound and ultimately discovered that sometimes, knowledge is not power. I know you would think it would be helpful to know everything you possibly can, but all it really does is freak me out. There is just too much information out there and too much focusing on the bad. Google should implement some kind of filter for "positive" and "negative" information. I like to have things fed to me in a positive manor and hear the good in it so looking at all the terrible things out there that could be wrong with my baby is hard. I can also sit on the computer for hours and hours and do research and still not be done. I have learned to rely a lot on my doctors for information and know that they will give me what I need to know. After all, I am trusting them with my life, with my baby's life, and if I can't trust them to give me information then what am I doing as their patient?

This blog is a lot of rambling, but this is kind of a hard day. The last time I went to this office and had an ultrasound there the news was not good. It took a week to find out everything was actually okay and even now I am still trying to come to terms with it. I am up some nights worrying about things. What if the test results are wrong? What if they switched mine with someone else's? What if something else is wrong with the baby? It is so hard not to let these thoughts dominate my mind. All I can do is wait until May comes and my baby gets here.

So today I am hoping for good news. I am hoping to leave the office with a smile instead of tears running down my face. I am hoping today will be different.