Christmas 2008

These last few days have been a whirlwind. I can hardly believe it is the day after Christmas and all the festivities are over. It is probably the saddest day of the year for me because I love Christmas and the anticipation for the holiday so much. I hate waking up on the 26th knowing I have 364 days until next Christmas, when my kids are a year older and growing so much. I do love that I have a January birthday though because it gives me something to look forward to. It is after that is over that I really hate!

Anyhow, we woke up Christmas Eve to a cold morning. We all got ready; I dressed the girls in their adorable Christmas dresses and they looked so beautiful. I put a ponytail in Serena's hair for the first time. It stood straight up on her head and she looked so much like Cindy Lou Who from How The Grinch Stole Christmas that we called her that all day. We headed out into the rain that had started to fall and in the direction of the mall to meet SANTA and do some extremely last minute Christmas shopping. My dad was nice enough to wait in the Santa line for the first half hour and my sister and her friend for the next. We were able to walk around and get our last minute presents bought in this time and when we returned to the line we only had to wait about twenty minutes before it was our turn. We found that the third time was a charm for Serena meeting Santa because she didn't cry! I was so thrilled. She didn't smile still, but SHE DIDN'T CRY and so I was happy. I have an adorable picture that I will have to scan online for everyone to see.

After the mall we headed back home and gave Serena a nap and I finished wrapping Christmas presents. That evening we went to Romano's Macaroni Grill for our traditional Christmas Eve dinner. We missed my aunt and uncle this year, but enjoyed the evening with both sets of parents, my sister and the kids of course. Both the girls did so well at the table and we were able to stay until about 8:30pm. I am looking forward to next Christmas when I am not pregnant and can have a drink again!

Calli went to bed that night so excited for Santa to come in the morning. He made a visit during the night and she couldn't believe her eyes when she woke up the next morning. She was so anxious to unwrap the two presents that Santa left for her and open her stocking. We had to wait for everyone to get downstairs first and Calli was just beside herself trying to contain her excitement. She got lots of little goodies in her stocking and then it was finally on to the presents. Santa had indeed brought her that (princess) fishing pole she asked for and she was SO excited about that. He also brought a Hannah Montana barbie doll for her. For Serena, Santa brought a basketball hoop and balls.

Shortly after that, Richard's parents came over to watch the gift opening and we moved into the living room where the Christmas tree was for the family gifts. Calli got so spoiled with dress up clothes and shoes, a baby doll, a Tinkerbell doll, dresses, Tinkerbell boots, a My Little Pony house, books, a computer (a kids keyboard that hooks up to the real computer and she can learn and play games with) and I can't even remember what else. Serena got a few things, but I didn't go all out like I did with Calli on her first Christmas. With the first, you do everything because they are the first! By the time you are on the second you have all those toys already stored up and know that the baby doesn't even understand what is going on. So she got a few cute things and had a lot of fun. I also enjoyed everyone opening the presents we got them. I got a Sharks watch from my parents which is so cute and I love!

My mom cooked a big breakfast after the present opening and we all got stuffed. After that we got ready and headed down the street to Richard's parents' house for the rest of the celebration. Calli got more fun presents, including the Tinkerbell movie, bath toys and a Sleeping Beauty brush. Serena got a few little baby toys. I think my favorite presents were what I got for everyone else though. Richard's parents are very excited about moving to Texas in a few years so we ordered a Texas gift basket online. It came in a Texas shaped basket with Texas wine and other Texas things. We also ordered Texas wine charms online and stuck those in as well as two bottles of wine with personalized labels with pictures of the kids. My other favorite present was a blanket we made online for Grandma Molly with pictures of the kids.

We spent a lazy rest of the day over there and my parents came over as well. Before I knew it, night had come and we were going to bed and the holiday was over all too soon. Christmas is so special when you have children to share it with.

Calli helping Grandma decorate the Christmas tree

Calli being a goofball with the Hannah Montana wrapping paper
Calli and my little Cindy Lou Who before heading out to the mall on Christmas Eve

The place that Santa meets all the kids is so wonderful. Some of the great things they have are all these windows looking in on the elves. Calli loved them.

Cindy Lou, Grandma Molly and Richard at Christmas Eve dinner

My mom and dad at dinner

Me, Mom and Brittany

Calli and her two grandpas

When we got home from Christmas Eve dinner we got to open our PJs. Calli's had sparkley ballerinas on them and Serena's were PINK with "My First Christmas" on them

Calli waking up Christmas morning and having to wait for everyone to come downstairs

Calli opening her Cinderella stocking

Daddy helping Serena open her stocking

I love this picture of Calli opening her fishing pole. You can really see the excitement on her face and it's priceless!

Calli and her Hannah Montana doll

Serena sitting on top of her present

Grandpa James and Serena

Grandma Keri, Serena and Grandpa James playing with Serena's new basketball toy

Serena and Calli in front of the Christmas tree waiting to open the gifts

Calli in her beautiful Belle dress from Grandma and Grandpa

Serena was Cindy Lou Who times TWO (two ponytails) on Christmas. It was adorable.

Our family Christmas picture. Can you believe next year there will be another little one squeezed in?

California Dreamin'

Well here the girls and I are in California. Northern California. El Dorado Hills to be exact! We arrived a little over a week ago and the time has really flown by. I was very, very nervous to take both kids by myself on an airplane. I have done it many, many times with just Calli and it got easier as she got older. Well now she is a dream on the flights. All I have to do is pop a movie in the DVD player or get out her coloring book and she is happy. She also likes a snack once in awhile (thanks Southwest for the great peanuts you provide on a three hour flight, they really fill us up!) and has to use the bathroom a couple times, but she is really easy. She was not the one I was worried about. I was worried about having an eight-month-old on a crowded airplane. And it really was crowded! Our flight out of San Antonio was completely full. And me, not knowing the ins and outs of the stupid new Southwest boarding system that caters to the business class and could care less about families, thought I would get to preboard with my kids like every other airline allows. But no. They have changed it so familes board between their A and B levels (I believe A goes up to 60 people). Well stupid me had an A18 boarding pass, but by the time I got on the plane there were people in every row. So I felt terrible as I made my way to the back and had to sit next to someone who was probably thinking "I hope she doesn't choose these seats". The flight was about three-and-a-half hours long to LAX. Serena ended up falling asleep in my arms for a good forty-five minutes while Calli watched a movie, so that was nice. She started to get very antsy toward the end, but overall never cried and did very well. I was relieved that our next flight was only an hour or so, but at the same time I didn't really want to get on another plane; I just wanted to be there! I went to the desk to get a tag for our stroller and after helping with that, the very helpful gentleman asked if I was pregnant. I told him yes and he handed me a special preboard pass reserved for disabled people. Apparently being pregnant makes you "temporarily disabled" in the eyes of the airlines and I was so glad to receive one of the passes! It is so much easier to get on the plane first and get my kids settled without holding up a long line of people. Plus this flight was not completely full so we got a whole row of three seats to ourselves, score! It took about an hour and we finally made it into the Sacramento airport. I survived my first flight alone with two kids! I am so glad that I will have Richard to help on the flights back because it wasn't easy. I also have learned that I will not be flying alone with three kids when this new little one gets here. No way no how!

So our last week has been filled with a few adventures and lots of Christmas shopping. I actually got 99.9% of my shopping done the other day and will finish up the rest when we head to the mall to meet Santa on Christmas Eve (it's tradition!).

My family cuts down a Christmas tree every year. We go to a farm and spend forever walking around trying to find that perfect tree and then finally cut it down ourselves. I have many childhood photos of me holding a saw or us looking at trees. It doesn't feel like Christmas unless we do it ourselves. What is a fake tree?? Anti-Christmas of course! So on Monday we decided to head east to get ourselves a tree. We were all prepared for lots of mud as usual and for it to be very cold. Since we've been here it has yet to get out of the 40s during the day, which is the coldest visit I can remember. Don't get me wrong though, I have been loving it! It doesn't really feel like the holidays to me until it is cold out and the back and forth weather I had been witnessing and now seeing in Texas makes me glad I am not there (helllllllo headaches and colds!). Anyhow, we set off on our journey to pick out the perfect Christmas tree, Serena's first. As we were heading just outside Placerville, about thirty minutes from my parents' house, we started to see bits of snow lining the roads. As we made our way into Camino, the city we were going to get our tree, the yards and houses were filled with snow! These places are on the way up to Lake Tahoe, but I had never seen that amount of snow so close to us. The driveway we wanted to go in was covered in snow and we soon realized all the farms were closed because of the weather. We made the best of it though and pulled over to the side of the road so Calli could play in her FIRST snow. She had a blast throwing snowballs with Grandpa James and Auntie Brittany and building her first (small) snowman. When it was time to go because our toes were starting to fall off, she protested and didn't want to leave. We are heading up to the REAL snow next week in Tahoe so we assured her she would be back and build BIGGER and BETTER snowmen. Since we weren't able to get our tree at a farm we had to stop at a lot (the horror!) and pick out a pre-cut one. We figured we had such a great adventure trying to get a tree that it more than made up for the fact that we had to buy one off a lot.

So that was our amazing Christmas tree adventure! Unfortunately, stupid STUPID person that I am, I forgot my camera, so we only have our memories of this trip. We decorated our tree two nights later and Calli loved hanging a few ornaments toward the bottom. With our angel on the top, it looks so beautiful!

On Wednesday my mom and I went out for our Christmas shopping adventure. My dad so nicely volunteered to watch the kids so we could go out. Our first stop was the big Galleria Mall to go to the Disney Store. They were having tons of sales and lots of things at 50% off and I pretty much finished Calli in just one shot. We also went to a few more stores at the mall before getting hungry and having to go to my FAVORITE restaurant, Chevys, for lunch. They have the BEST and FRESHEST chips and salsa anywhere. Even living in south Texas I have yet to find a place that rivals Chevys for the best chips and salsa. I can fill up on just those for my meal and often do before the food comes out. So after a big lunch we headed to another mall not far away and continued our shopping. I got a few things for Serena and completely finished Calli. In fact, I finished almost all of my shopping that day and it was a great feeling. Being pregnant with two kids this year has not made Christmas shopping all that fun for me. Usually I love it. I've also found people not quite as in the Christmas spirit this year and perhaps it is because of the floundering economy. I am still in it though so MERRY CHRISTMAS!

So now it is Monday, we have been here for ten days and are awaiting Richard's flight getting in today. Calli is so looking forward to seeing her daddy. We all are of course, but she is the most excited. I am happy to get a little help at night because Serena has not been sleeping the best. She has caught a cold and so her sleeping patterns are a little messed up. It's hard to be the only one here to get up with her all night and then have to wake up really early to care for her as well.

So that has been what is going on with us. We are just enjoying spending time with family and getting ready for the holidays. I am so excited for Serena's first Christmas and for the kids to open their presents on Christmas morning. I am sure there will be lots of pictures to come of all of that :)

Eight Months!

Dear Serena,

With everything that has been going on the last two weeks I haven't been able to get around wishing you a happy eight month birthday! You turned eight months old last Thursday, the 4th. I can hardly believe that in just four short months we will be lighting one candle on your birthday cake. You have grown so much in the short time you have been on this earth.

In the last month you have become a much happier baby. Why? Because you finally cut those two bottom teeth! Everyone had been saying to me for months that you must be teething and sure, I suppose you were. But aren't all babies always teething? I am not sure when it started exactly, but we felt those first pearly whites pop through on Thanksgiving. What a difference! After that you stopped being such a crankpot all the time and started smiling and laughing more. You are a much happier baby and I can't blame you! I just wonder what we are in store for when the rest of your teeth come in. Calli never seemed to make a peep when she got her teeth, but you are the opposite of her in every way so far (which is fun!) so I'm sure you will be different.

We celebrated your first Thanksgiving two weeks ago. We had Grandma and Grandpa Ratcliff, Great-Grandma Bev and Auntie Allison all here with us to celebrate. You tried some turkey and thought it was okay. I am not sure what else you ate because frankly, after working so hard and cooking so much, I didn't pay much attention to what Grandma was giving you. But you certainly enjoyed yourself.

You have mastered the art of pulling up on everything, which is so much fun to watch. You can walk as long as you are gripping tightly onto something to keep your balance. In just a few short months you will be walking on your own! I look forward to it, but at the same time am kind of sad. It will be that last big milestone for you as a baby. After that I suppose technically you will be a toddler, since you will be toddling around. You'll always be my little baby though!

Your favorite thing to eat is, hands down, cheerios. You can sit and eat those for an hour, no joke! In fact, I have been having trouble getting you to eat much else! On Tuesday you were in your high chair eating those cheerios (and I was trying to get you to eat some pieces of bananas I snuck in there!) and were content for a long time. I turned my back for a minute to wash your bottles and when I looked again you had your eyes closed and head tilted to the side. It scared me for a minute, but when I ran over and called to you, you stirred and fell back asleep. You were so precious! I picked you up and carried you to your crib; I had no idea you had been so tired!

Well, we have had an up and down month with everything going on, but you are certainly always a bright spot in our day. I see your smile and can't help but smile myself because you are just too cute. And I love to tickle you just to hear that adorable giggle; it makes my day.

We found out you will be having a baby brother in May. I am sure you will be the best of friends as you grow up. And hopefully since he will be a boy you won't fight over toys so much (maybe? I hope??). But who am I kidding; with two big sisters I am sure this boy will love to play dress up and barbies.

Happy Eight Months baby girl! I love you!

Love, Momma

The Roller Coaster Ride

To say that last week was a roller coaster would be an understatement. I cannot even adequately describe all the emotions, feelings, and worry we went through. I think the best way to describe it is just to recap from the beginning.


Monday

I get a call from my doctor. At first, I thought maybe she was calling to tell me I had an infection or something stupid like that. I had been to the doctor for a check-up the previous week and since I had a cold, she took a throat culture. I stupidly assumed something had come back positive from that. Unfortunately, the news she had was much worse, which I should have figured out from the fact that she was calling me herself instead of a receptionist or her nurse practitioner. My quad screening blood test I had done the previous week had come back positive for down syndrome. At first I don't know if I really comprehended what she said, but it quickly sank in and I could barely hold back the tears on the phone. An ultrasound would have to be set up at a later date to determine more she told me. After hanging up, I just sobbed. I collected myself briefly to call Richard at work, but of course he didn't answer. After the third try I left a message. I had to tell someone so I called my sister, who said she immediately knew something was wrong when she saw my phone number pop up. I don't think either of us really knew what to say or think, but it definitely helped me just to talk to her and get my feelings out. Richard finally called back and he was in shock just as I was. After talking to him I made another call to my dad, similar to the one I had with my sister. By the time I spoke with my mom, I had calmed down a lot and was able to be more level headed about everything. That afternoon I hopped on the internet to do some research about these tests and found out that there were a lot of false positive cases. I began to feel hopeful, but tried to expect the worst none the less.


Tuesday

After not hearing from anyone the previous day to set up an appointment for the ultrasound and not really knowing if I had understood her correctly (after hearing the words "test came back positive for down syndrome" I couldn't focus on much else), I decided to call the office myself. Luckily someone returned my phone call quickly to let me know that an appointment would be set up later that day. I was able to tell them that it had to happen either this week or the next because we would be going out of town for the holidays on the 13th. I feel very grateful for this because there would be a very good chance we would still be waiting on the ultrasound for another week! As it was, I got a call back later that day to set up an appointment for the very next day at 4pm. Despite my best intentions to the contrary, I had began to feel hopeful that this was all just a mistake, another false positive to go with the list I had collected from all my friends. It seemed that everyone knew someone or WAS the someone who had a false positive test. I had lots of stories of my friends and their moms/friends/sisters-in-law/whomever else this had happened to and their babies turned out to be fine. I wanted to keep a level head and not go in thinking everything would be okay because I knew if I did that I would be shattered all over again if the results were not good.


Wednesday

It was hard to wait around all day for the doctor's appointment at the end of the day, but I had no choice. I just tried to busy myself doing chores and running to the store. Finally it was time to leave and Richard would meet us at the office from work. The girls and I arrived there first and there was a big sign on the door that said "no children allowed". I was more than peeved because my doctor had never mentioned this to me (they do allow children in the office, but this high risk specialist doctor did not). And to go off on this a little bit, it always annoys me when offices don't allow children. They make up some lame excuse about diseases! My children are 100% vaccinated and I would feel much more comfortable being around them than some random woman's husband in the waiting room who may have just gotten back from a trip to who knows where! Meanwhile my children have lived in the US their whole short lives and they are the ones with these awful diseases? If you don't want children in the office, at least be honest and say it's because it's annoying when parents can't control them and they run wild. Don't pretend it's about diseases. The pregnant woman sitting next to me could have had a disease as well.

So back to the real matter at hand, although that really did affect us negatively I think. Richard had to wait out in the car with the kids while I went through this ultrasound all by myself. No one should have to go through something like that alone, it was a terrifying experience. They called me back, put me in the room and the ultrasound tech came in just a minute later. She took all the measurements and chatted a bit with me and I asked her if she would be able to tell the sex. A few minutes later she said she was trying to look and something flashed on the screen. Was that what I thought it was? Yes, she was pretty sure it was a boy. Then he showed us again and she was able to get a screen shot and print it. And there it was. We were having a little boy. I felt excited for a few minutes and then tried to just focus on hoping the baby would be healthy. That was what I wanted more than anything; penis or no penis, it mattered not to me. After this technician took her measurements she switched with another one who took more measurements. The doctor also came in to introduce himself during her scanning and he was very nice. I prefer female OB/GYNs, but he put me at ease and I liked him. After the second technician was done with her scans, the doctor took a look and did his own measurements. This was the longest ultrasound I have ever had! It was nice to be able to see my baby for such an extended period of time, but honestly I was getting anxious to know what was going on. When the doctor was finally done, I was able to sit up and find out what was going on. The news he had for me was not good. The baby's nuchal fold, which is a collection of fluid all babies have behind their necks, was measuring at 6mm. Now, this is actually not a huge measurement from what I have researched, it is borderline. It is 6mm and greater that the doctors begin to worry, so of course this was cause for concern. The doctor also could not locate a nasal bone, something that is very common with down syndrome babies. In addition to that, the baby had white spots on his heart (another symptom), was measuring two weeks behind (stunted growth is another sign) and should I even mention the positive quad screening blood test result that brought me to the office in the first place? All these markers were not good. The doctor told me in no uncertain terms that he was very, very concerned. He did the math for me and the nuchal fold measurement alone gave me a 1/3 chance of having a down syndrome baby. Add to that all the other markers they found and you would think it was a slam dunk right? This is what I knew for certain. The doctor could not make a diagnosis based on an ultrasound, but he didn't have to confirm anything for me; through his actions and words and the results, I knew.

I was devestated, to say the least. The doctor offered to do an amniocentesis right there so we could know for sure. Termination was never an option, it was just more that I wanted to be 100% sure and have no doubts. I knew I could spend the next five months convincing myself that everything would be fine and then be totally shattered again when our down syndrome baby arrived. So really, it was for my own peace of mind and so we could prepare ourselves for this child. I went outside to find Richard to come to an agreement about the amnio. Of course I was scared about the risk of miscarriage (anywhere from 1/400 to 1/1,600) and knowing that I had already defied the odds of having a downs baby (1/1,300 for my age) these statistics meant nothing to me. After a lot of discussion, we finally decided to go ahead with it. I went back in alone and was brought the consent forms to sign and broke down again. The doctor came back in to answer my questions. I became concerned for myself, for the risks to my health. Infection and blood clots were on the list of things that could go wrong for me. I was of course concerned for my baby, but I had two daughters sitting in the car waiting for the their mommy and after the week we had been having how could I be sure everything would be okay? I finally declined the amnio, saying I just couldn't do it. After all, the markers were pretty telling, I already knew it would come back positive, this was really just a technicality, confirmation. However, I changed my mind yet again and decided to go ahead with the amnio.

This was an interesting experience itself. Some women say it hurts a lot and that was just not true. I never even looked at the needle and to this day I have no clue how big it is or what it looks like (that same thing is true of the epidurals I received during childbirth twice). They stuck it in and it feels like a very small bee sting piercing the skin and then when it enters the uterus it feels like the mildest menstrual cramp (I was told it would feel like the worst). I watched as he withdrew the amniotic fluid into the tubes and found it fascinating that this was the liquid inside my uterus, floating around with my baby. I don't know why, but for some reason that sounds so sureal to me. After about 2-3 minutes it was all over. I was a little sore for the next day, but other than that I thank God that everything was fine.

I left the office feeling pretty numb. I tried to keep it together for the kids, mostly for Calli because I didn't want her to worry. When we got home I told her that the baby was a little boy. I will never forget her reaction. She held onto my belly and looking up at me said "nooooo. It's my other little sister". I had to tell her a few times that I was sorry, it was actually a baby brother. It took her a day or two, but she finally came around to the idea. She was just so stoked to have another girl in the house, another little sister. She is not as excited about a little brother, but I am sure when he gets here she will love him like she loves her little sister.

When the kids went to bed we set out calling our parents and telling them the devestating news. I basically said that our baby has down syndrome and we were just awaiting the amnio results, but they were pretty much just a formality. It was hard to deny the truth in the ultrasound.

Thursday

The next day was hard for me. I had to take it easy because of the amnio the day before and I was still reeling from the news. By the end of the day I felt like I was in a better place. I knew we would love our baby (OUR SON) no matter what. It was just a hard thing to come to terms with. There were so many questions going through my head. And I have found that although the internet can be great for research, there really is too much information on it. My mind boggled taking everything in and a lot of the time it really didn't help. What I did love reading were stories from moms whose children actually had down syndrome. I began to see that these children were not so different than a healthy child. They develop a bit slower and look a bit different, but are capable of so many things! And we are so lucky to live in a time where there is so much available to these children in terms of programs, schooling and support. I knew it would be a long road, but eventually I felt that if these other moms could be okay with everything, then why couldn't I? Eventually I would get there.

Friday

The doctor had told me the full results of the amnio would take about two weeks, however there are the FISH results, which are basically just the results from measuring the five chromosomes 13, 18, 21, X and Y. Those results would take just three business days, but since I had the test done so late on Wednesday he speculated they wouldn't be back until Monday. So I had never even thought I could hear anything on Friday. However, around 4:30PM my cell phone rang (why they called that number, I have no idea!) and a number I didn't recognize with a 210 area code popped up. The wrong numbers that I get are always in the 916 (Sacramento) area code since that is what my phone is in. So I just decided to answer this one and it turned out to be the receptionist from the doctor's office. My heart sank a little when she identified herself and then it started to beat faster. The next few minutes of conversation are a blur to me, but I remember the basic gist. She said they had my initial FISH results back from my amnio. At this point I expected her to tell me they needed to set up an appointment to come in to see the doctor (because they won't tell you bad news over the phone). Instead, the words I heard were "your results came back negative". At this point I just started shaking. How could that even be possible? Then she asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby and I said yes. She said "it is a boy". Then I questioned how the results could be negative, there were so many markers at the ultrasound. Could he still have downs? The receptionist didn't know anything other than amnio results are 99.9% accurate and it would be very unusual to still have a down syndrome baby after it and I couldn't put together a coherent thought or sentence so I just thanked her and hung up.

I was in shock. I still am, although it has subsided a bit. I tell everyone, if you had been in the ultrasound room with me, you would understand why I had every belief that this baby would have down syndrome. But instead I was in there alone so no one can commiserate with me. Instead it just seems like I blew the whole thing out of proportion and made a whole lot of drama. When in fact, this is not the case. I am still not one hundred percent convinced that my baby is fine. And I don't even know if this is the case. Maybe the markers indicate something else. I pray this is not the case and all just a big misunderstanding, a nightmare I will wake up from in May. I don't think at this point anything will reassure me any differently until the day he makes his entrance into this world. I have to go back for an ultrasound in January when we get home from California because the doctor was concerned there may be a hole in his heart. So I still have a lot of prayers to be answered and am far from this roller coaster coming to an end.

So what about the name Parker?

Worried

I debated blogging about this, but have decided that it's better to get my feelings out. I am the type of person that thrives on support. And I figure more thoughts and prayers can only help.

Yesterday I got a call from my doctor that the blood test I had taken last week (the triple screen or quad screen - I'm not sure which I had) came back positive for down syndrome. I spent the next few hours in tears and worry. I called Richard crying. I called my sister crying. I called my dad crying. After hours of thoughts (and crying) I felt more at peace. I began doing research a little bit online, but the internet is so massive and there is so much information out there it is hard to narrow it down. Basically what I found is that I tested positive for the risk of down syndrome, which doesn't necessarily mean that the baby has it. I will go for an ultrasound (to be scheduled today) within the next week to see. So all we can do is wait.

I think that is the worst part, the not knowing. I am growing this baby inside of me, it is existing as part of me, taking nutrients and vitamins from me, depending on me for survival, and I know nothing about it! I don't know if it's a girl or a boy, I don't know if it's even healthy now. All I know is that it will be loved and I think that's all that matters now. This would be a life changing thing, but the world would not come to an end. We would deal with it, we would love the baby and nothing would ever change that.

I feel so stupid now looking back on the last month. I was so excited for my ultrasound to find out the gender next week. Now all I can think is how selfish and stupid that was. Who gives a crap if this is a boy or a girl? I mean seriously, the thought of being disappointed in one or the other makes me sick. All I wish is for this baby to be healthy, that is all anyone should want. I am so annoyed with the people who "have to have" one gender over the other. Whose first thought when they are pregnant is that the baby better be one or the other. Now all I can think about is if my baby is even healthy. I hope I don't hear any more insensitive, stupid comments about us hoping this one is a boy because we have two girls. I just want my baby to be okay.

So now we just wait for the ultrasound. This is something I am not good at. I am a fairly impatient person so the not knowing is killing me. I have already began to prepare myself for the worst. I think that is the smartest thing to do at this point, to go in thinking there is something wrong with the baby. That way if there is, I won't go through being shattered all over again. I will just expect it.

It is a scary thing to hear that your baby might not be healthy. It's as if every other problem in your life is suddenly so trivial and unimportant and you wonder how you could really have cared about anything else besides the health and happiness of your family. This is definitely an experience I will never forget, no matter how it turns out. I am praying for the best of course, but expecting the worst. I am not a pessimist, just a realist.