Worried

I debated blogging about this, but have decided that it's better to get my feelings out. I am the type of person that thrives on support. And I figure more thoughts and prayers can only help.

Yesterday I got a call from my doctor that the blood test I had taken last week (the triple screen or quad screen - I'm not sure which I had) came back positive for down syndrome. I spent the next few hours in tears and worry. I called Richard crying. I called my sister crying. I called my dad crying. After hours of thoughts (and crying) I felt more at peace. I began doing research a little bit online, but the internet is so massive and there is so much information out there it is hard to narrow it down. Basically what I found is that I tested positive for the risk of down syndrome, which doesn't necessarily mean that the baby has it. I will go for an ultrasound (to be scheduled today) within the next week to see. So all we can do is wait.

I think that is the worst part, the not knowing. I am growing this baby inside of me, it is existing as part of me, taking nutrients and vitamins from me, depending on me for survival, and I know nothing about it! I don't know if it's a girl or a boy, I don't know if it's even healthy now. All I know is that it will be loved and I think that's all that matters now. This would be a life changing thing, but the world would not come to an end. We would deal with it, we would love the baby and nothing would ever change that.

I feel so stupid now looking back on the last month. I was so excited for my ultrasound to find out the gender next week. Now all I can think is how selfish and stupid that was. Who gives a crap if this is a boy or a girl? I mean seriously, the thought of being disappointed in one or the other makes me sick. All I wish is for this baby to be healthy, that is all anyone should want. I am so annoyed with the people who "have to have" one gender over the other. Whose first thought when they are pregnant is that the baby better be one or the other. Now all I can think about is if my baby is even healthy. I hope I don't hear any more insensitive, stupid comments about us hoping this one is a boy because we have two girls. I just want my baby to be okay.

So now we just wait for the ultrasound. This is something I am not good at. I am a fairly impatient person so the not knowing is killing me. I have already began to prepare myself for the worst. I think that is the smartest thing to do at this point, to go in thinking there is something wrong with the baby. That way if there is, I won't go through being shattered all over again. I will just expect it.

It is a scary thing to hear that your baby might not be healthy. It's as if every other problem in your life is suddenly so trivial and unimportant and you wonder how you could really have cared about anything else besides the health and happiness of your family. This is definitely an experience I will never forget, no matter how it turns out. I am praying for the best of course, but expecting the worst. I am not a pessimist, just a realist.